Is it Time to Go? Or Stay?

Dec 19

Making the decision to end a relationship can be more challenging than actually ending it. This is true whether you’re thinking about leaving your spouse, quitting your job, or selling your house. And if you’re indecisive by nature, the choice can be brutal.

After more than 14 years of conducting divorce mediations, I’ve become pretty good at reading my clients. More often than not, one of the partners wants out while the other doesn’t. And once in awhile, I am retained by a couple where one partner is clearly the “divorce bully.” I can tell almost immediately that this is an “or else” situation. “You’ll do this, or else we’re getting a divorce.” I will gently (and quickly) encourage these people to meet with a therapist before we get too entrenched into the mediation process.

Bullies notwithstanding, I am generally focused on helping people who have already decided to end their relationship. And although I don’t ask, I always wonder how they arrived at their decision.

Regardless of whether the decision has to do with your relationship or your job, you can ask yourself the same question. Should you stay? Or should you leave?

We stay in unhappy and unproductive relationships for a variety of reasons. One thing I can say with certainty, if the pain or misery of being in the relationship is greater than the fear, guilt, or anxiety of leaving it, it’s time to call it quits.

Sometimes the universe sends us a sign that is unmistakable, and when I am on the receiving end of such a sign, I am forever grateful. More often than not, however, the decision is a struggle and it takes time. So while you’re contemplating whether to go or stay, do yourself a big favor and make an appointment with a therapist. Speaking with a trained professional will likely give you some clarity, and provide you with some tools to deal with your fears, your guilt, and your anxiety.

Now let’s assume you’ve done the hard work and have decided to end the relationship. What happens next? Since relationships are contracts of some form or another, the original contract will be revised when you end the relationship. New terms must be negotiated, whether work-related or personal. If you’re leaving an employer, you may need to talk about a non-compete agreement, unused vacation days, or a letter of reference. If the marriage is ending, you may need to address joint assets, debts, child custody, and spousal support. These negotiations do not have to be adversarial. Every day people make the decision to end relationships, and every day people make the choice to do it peacefully instead of with hostility.

In my opinion, ending the relationship peacefully is always the better choice, not only for stress management, but for economics. More and more people are realizing that anger leads to litigation which leads to excessive time and money spent. The mediation process is usually a better choice.