If there's one tiny word that creates outsized tension in mediation, it's the word "should." I find that it slips in quietly, often sounding helpful or logical, yet it carries a heavy load of judgment, pressure, and unmet expectations. When couples, business partners, or family members sit around the table with me, "should" is usually the spark that lights the fuse.

Think about how it feels when someone says, "You should have known," or "You should do it this way." Even when the speaker intends to be supportive, the listener hears criticism. "Should" implies there is one correct path and that someone has failed to follow it. It points backward to what didn't happen or forward to what someone is obligated to do. Either way, it rarely moves the conversation toward understanding.

In divorce mediation, I often see "should" used as a shortcut for deeper feelings. "You should spend more time with the kids" might really mean "I miss seeing you play with them." "You should help more with the bills" might mean "I'm scared and overwhelmed." When we peel back the layers, the underlying message is almost always more vulnerable and more productive than the "should" that covered it.

What to Say Instead

Avoiding the word doesn't mean avoiding accountability or honesty. It simply means choosing language that invites collaboration instead of defensiveness. When people replace "should" with clearer, more grounded statements, the tone shifts immediately. For example:

→ "You should communicate better." vs. "I feel disconnected when we don't talk about things."
→ "You should stop spending so much." vs. "I'm worried about our finances."

The second versions express needs without assigning blame. They open a door instead of closing one.

The Shoulds We Carry Ourselves

Another reason I encourage people to retire "should" is that it often reflects someone else's expectations rather than their own values. We absorb "shoulds" from parents, culture, friends, and even social media. "I should be making more money." "I should be a better co-parent." "I should communicate better." These internal "shoulds" create pressure without ever offering solutions. They keep us stuck in comparison instead of moving toward what genuinely matters.

A simple shift can make a big difference: replace "should" with "want," "need," or "will." Try telling yourself "I want to feel healthier" instead of saying "I should exercise more." Instead of saying "I should stop procrastinating," try "I will take one small step forward today." When we choose words that reflect intention rather than obligation, we give ourselves permission to act with clarity instead of with guilt.

So, the next time you catch yourself using "should," whether toward someone else or toward yourself, take a breath and then ask what you're really trying to express. Chances are, there's a more honest, more compassionate, and far more effective way to say it.

​And if you happen to be in a divorce mediation with me and you catch me saying the #1 curse word, please, please call me out on it!