Co-Parenting Doesn’t Have to be a Nightmare

Do you wake up in the middle of the night because you and your ex can’t seem to agree about anything concerning your kids? This topic is timely for me because I seem to be addressing it frequently during divorce mediations and post-divorce mediations.

Let me begin with a disclaimer: I’m no expert on parenting (other than to say I had two good ones).

Co-parenting after divorce can be a slippery slope. It requires two people who are no longer living together to be tied with one another forever. Obviously, your relationship with each other as partners didn’t succeed, but that doesn’t mean your relationship with each other as parents will suffer the same fate.

Remember, your actions are being closely watched by your kids and often mirrored by them. If you want your children to have successful adult relationships of their own, and if you want them to become good parents to your future grandchildren, remember that co-parenting with your ex requires three things: empathy, patience, and open communication.

Consider this list of things to do:
- Make a written commitment with your ex to openly communicate – literally write a one-sentence contract for you both to sign
- Stay positive – set an example
- Agree on boundaries and consequences — kids need consistency in both households
- Include your extended family – grandparents, aunts, and uncles should all be on the same page
- Keep your co-parent informed

And consider this list of things not to do:
- Don’t burden the kids about issues with your ex
- Don’t punish your ex by letting the kids get away with bad behavior at your house
- Don’t give in to guilt
- Don’t be an unbalanced parent – either always strict or always fun
- Don’t jump to conclusions about what’s going on at the other household
And above all, leave your kids out of the conflict between you and your ex. Let them be kids!

The term “co-parenting” means parenting together. So that means solving parenting problems together as well, which is why your agreement to communicate with each other is of vital importance. When problems come up, and they will, first off identify them. Share your observations with your ex by showing your concern about your child. Exchange information about priorities and consequences so that you both are on the same page. Also, allow some thinking time to explore possible solutions.

I know this is a lot to remember when you’re in the throes of an argument about whether your daughter should be allowed to spend the night at a friend’s house, or whether your son can ride his bike to school by himself. In retrospect, these concerns might not be so crucial in the grand scheme of things, but in the moment, your path to resolution is the most important choice you can make. If you choose to take the high road with each other and put your kids’ needs above your own habits and history, everybody wins.

Shameless plug: mediation is another tool in helping co-parents navigate the journey.